I have learned to say I am sorry and I have learned to say those words when I truly mean them instead of using them to pacify the person or situation at hand. I have also learned to say that I don't understand what I have said or done wrong instead of apologizing for something I truly don't feel sorry for in hope that a lesson can be learned. Sometimes those apologies are for refusing to accept anything less than what I want in my life. My refusal to take less than what I want isn't about having material goods, it is about being treated with respect and honesty and taking action to define the perimeters which will bring those two things and better into my life. This may sound arrogant but it is not meant to be presented that way. Instead consider it a truth presented in a direct and as-it-is manner.
Recently I met someone who I was truly attracted to. Unfortunately he and I approached each other in ways that clashed. The sexual energy and familiarity was intense but our cultures, experiences and personalities definitely played a heavy hand in our interaction. Despite the attraction like water and oil we did not mix well. We communicated differently, had different understandings of what we were gifted with was and because of the easy familiarity we felt toward each other fell into comfortable behavior that reflected our past relationships and issues.
It was brief and intense encounter and a situation in which I had to say no to pretty early on or chance trying to conform both myself and his will to what I want rather than who and what we are. I can admit this and accept that it was over before it truly began. It doesn't mean I am not affected by what happened. It doesn't mean that I don't feel a series of emotions tied to the loss of possibility and a person that I shared such an intense connection with. I know some of you reading this may be thinking "she didn't give it a chance, relationships are about compromise" but in the end those in that relationship should hold the same definitions of a relationship and of the roles we each play in it as a guide to where they are going together. We did not.
Trust me, this admission doesn't make me happy but to be honest it doesn't make me sad either, but it does feel right. There is no need for apologies from either of us.