Tuesday's Mental Musings

I have issues with women who at the expense of other women's feeling tear apart a sister in order to feel good about themselves or defend their own standing in the eyes of others. Last Sunday on the way home from Virginia I chanced upon such a woman in a rest stop somewhere in Maryland. We were around the same age. She pretty, perfectly blond and immaculately dressed and manicured, me, 6 hours into the drive, sans make-up, large straw sun hat on head, grimy white t-shirt, jeans and flip-flops. Upon seeing her in front of me on the Starbuck's coffee line I even admired her thinking how pulled together she was. Her traveling companion, a man I assumed was her husband or boyfriend, kept staring back at me. Once I realized he was staring and that she noticed and it was causing her discomfort I averted my gaze away from their general direction and looked off into the distance in an attempt to remove myself from the situation. But it was then, without shame or embarrassment that her companion turned to her and asked boldly if she thought I was attractive because he found me terribly attractive. By then the line had drawn closer and I was literally behind and almost atop her which she didn't realize because she proceeded to exclaim how she didn't think I was attractive or pretty and was about to say more to tear me apart when her companion stopped her by drawing her attention to the fact I was right there hearing every word.

The first emotion I reached for was anger and my anger can be deadly. I have mellowed with age and allowed myself to work towards the hurt and confusion that followed to avoid the easy emotion. In another time and place my anger would have found concise and direct words to cut the woman in two, words meant to destroy not play with her ego, before turning on her companion with the same. With maturity comes understanding. I was not part of the conversation and her comments, though about me, were not directed at me. I stood back, raise an eyebrow, made direct eye contact and watched with an aloof expression as the woman stopped in mid sentence, turned beet red with embarrassment and finally away in shame. Maybe it's a gift to be able to do this but it is one I would gladly exchange for sincere camaraderie between women, especially when it comes to dealing with men. The crazy thing is we ran into them at another rest stop in New Jersey and she actually smiled at me in recognition before realizing that I had been the woman she had rudely critiqued. She couldn't walk in the direction opposite me fast enough.

I do not like women who compare themselves to others in order to find a way to make themselves better, prettier or thinner than her sisters, but I understand. Let's be honest, we woman can't help but compare ourselves to other women, but I sincerely believe it is because most of us can't see ourselves and are trying to find the bits and pieces of who we want to see/be in other women we run across or are lucky enough to have as friends and family. It is only when we fail to see our own beauty and strength that our comparisons tear not only ourselves but other women at the seams.

I do not like women who sell out their sisters for dick (that's right I wrote dick) and to be honest I never will. I understand and have the desire to be loved and wanted by one man too. I understand prioritizing your relationship with a man but I do not understand competing with women for a man, especially one that is admiring other women.

I do not understand why women accept men who choose to deflate their egos and self worth by forcing them to compare themselves to other women or be part of a harem of women that stroke egos if not more. When we women allow men to pit us against each other we lose our own power and stop seeing our own beauty and truths.

In this case it was the man who initiated the woman's need to be so rude. His question was disrespectful to her and drew out her insecurities. Granted she might not have thought I was attractive but could have said so in the manner that was not hurtful or disrespectful to my person. She made the choice to react rather than act. She should have turned around to see if the object of their critique was close. She made the choice to react rather than act. In my opinion the more appropriate reaction could have been for her to turn to her companion and ask him why he would ask such a question of her, what was the purpose of the question before telling him how him asking it really made her feel. Instead she allowed this man to push her buttons. She made the choice to react rather than act. We have all been there. You live and you learn.

Despite dealing with the situation in what I thought was a mature manner I had mixed feelings walking away from the scene, which should be obvious since I am writing about it. I know I am an attractive woman but more importantly I am an attractive woman that can respectfully acknowledge women who are as or more attractive than her. I know beauty is everywhere and goes way beyond what we are told should or is beautiful. I practice finding one beautiful feature on every person I meet because I sincerely believe this. I refuse to wallow in any insecurity or allow encountering beauty outside of my own understanding to devalue me. There will be times I am jealous or envious but those emotions aren’t worth holding onto. Instead I see them as opportunities to question myself and evolve knowing better emotions will follow. Running into this woman reminded me that not everyone understands this and this makes me sad.

A part of me hopes that the next time that woman has the opportunity to rate another woman that she stops to consider how she would feel if she heard another woman speak badly about her. A part of me hopes that if she ever finds herself in this situation that she turns and smiles at her sister and finds the beauty in her rather than giving a man the power to pit her against another woman by buying into the game. A part of me hopes she acknowledges her worth and lets that man know that she deserves to be respected in a way that doesn't feed into her insecurities or disrespects other women, even if there are times when other women are being admired. And the whole of me thinks before the grace of God go I...