I once loved a man that used the net to play head games with women. As things were unwinding for us I found out that he collected them like I collect shoes. Finding this out negated anything he may have told me he felt for me or for us. His profile grew to over 89 provocatively posed and posting women vying for the affection and attention the man promised. Of course he didn't conquer all those women, but there were those who believed he was "special" because he made them believe they were "special. He was not up front about what he wanted with anyone. In the end the women that naively believed that they were the only ones he professed such things to were hurt. I don't understand why anyone who has 100s of opposite sex friends mentally masturbating them with provocative posts and promises would think that a man who reflects the same behavior would be sincere, but this post isn't about judging what went down between two adults but about considering what might have happened if the man had been responsible for his behavior.
You may be wondering how, if I was not part of his profile, that I found out about this behavior. Simple, he invited me to be part of it by "mistakenly" sending me invites to his various profiles. Though I declined, in not so nice of a way, I still naively believed we could be friends. The funny thing is that each time I thought I could have a sincere friendship with him the universe delivered more truths, without request I might add, that reminded me of his behavior and of the things I couldn't/wouldn't tolerate, dishonesty and indirectness and his behavior (which was my judgement and isn't what this post is about). The profiles I had discovered weren't private and were accessible to me and to other friends who knew of him and did not hesitate to make me aware of his activities in attempt to get me to stop being so trusting or stupid, depending on what angle you were looking at it from. I recalled who he use to be with me, not who he had become and believed that if I stood my ground he could relate to me respectfully and honestyly, but the more involved he became with his net women the more he treated me as if I were one of them, there to fulfill his fantasy of what women were rather than dealing with me as the individual he had gotten to know. I found myself constantly setting perimeters and trying to direct the conversations from a sexual nature. Maintaining the friendship was exhausting for both of us because we each wanted different things. More importantly I didn't trust him and he did nothing to regain my trust or friendship. Why should he? He had 89 other women to play with. Each time I chatted with him and listened to his "lies" I found myself clicking onto his profiles and was never disappointed to find evidence of his continued behavior. He "admitted" to me that they were "mental ticklers", nothing more and that he had only met one person. I found out later that this was the same line he used with other women who found him out as well.
After some time and much thought about honorable behavior I contacted this man and suggested to him that he set his perimeters from the beginning. I knew he wouldn't change, but being true to his self might save some of the women he hurt. I suggested that he tell each woman that what he wanted was to be mentally masturbated and that their connection would not go beyond a text box or heated phone call. I suggested that he be up front about his love of women and the fact that they would not be the only one he was wooing, reminding them that they too had a bevy of friends to play with. I know it sounds bitchy of me and perhaps a part of me was being a little bitchy. My ego wanted him to know I knew who and what he had become or has always been, I can't tell anymore. Because I knew parts of him to be direct, funny, intelligent and passionate about his work and his life there was a part of me that wondered if he could find honor in his behavior by owning it. I never heard back from him in regards to my suggestions but I suspect that being so honest would never meet his own needs, to win, conquer and prove his intellectual superiority to the women who so naively trust in him.
See I am a firm believer that there is honor in all behavior if one is willing to admit and take responsibility for their behavior by being honest about it. I believe owning your behavior makes you, good or bad, more honorable. I know that this statement can seem like justification for someone's bad behavior but in truth our bad behavior only reflects on us anyway and affects people when they have other expectations of us. The only person we can control is our self. Being honest about our intentions and behavior is that control. If we are direct about our intent others will know exactly who we are and what to expect from us and act accordingly. In turn it gives others the freedom to chose to deal with us or not. Should they accept our behavior knowing what that behavior entails then shame on them when they get hurt because they expected us to be or give more than what we have stated we will give or be. I guess the key is for each of us to take the other person's advice as truth, accept it and understand we can not change them. Only they can choose to change but knowing who they are allows us to accept or reject them accordingly. In the same instance being direct and honest in our intent also allows us the freedom to who we want to be and trust that people are accepting us as we really are. It may also give us the freedom to change our behavior when we realize that it isn't rewarding us with the things/people we desire and is also hurting those we have let into our lives. Of course this would require us to see past our own selfish needs, which is another whole Tuesday Mental Musing's post.
I know this concept is an ideal, one that may or may not be achievable considering the complexity of human nature and behavior, but it is in trying to make the dream reality that make life worth living.
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